Stumbling for a Foothold
by thefantasmickah
Summary: Jesse just wants to have kids and Beca just wants Jesse to understand that she really doesn't. (Part 3 of my "Different Names for the Same Thing" series. This is a companion with Ch. 2 of "To Mars and Back" but can be read separately.)


**A/N: **This ties in with Chapter 2 of "To Mars and Back" which is Part 2 of this series.

* * *

"This isn't the same thing as not wanting to watch movies, Jesse. You can't just expect to wear me down on this. And if you really think that, then maybe I misjudged you." Beca tangled her fingers through her hair, tired of the same argument happening over and over again.

Jesse frowned at her, "I don't get why you can't just think about it, Beca, it's not like it would kill you."

"Are you kidding me right now? Jesse, are you being serious about this? I told you that I didn't want kids when we were first together, did you think I was kidding about that? Did you think that somehow if you were nice enough then that would change things and I would see the error of my ways?"

"I thought you would reconsider," Jesse mumbled, staring down at his pasta, appetite gone.

"That's a pretty big fucking thing to reconsider." Beca twisted the gold band on her left hand. She paused, "Did you marry me thinking this would change my mind? That if I was married to you I wouldn't be able to help myself?"

"No!" He protested loudly.

"Because it kind of seems like that, Jesse. You knew where I stood." Beca stood up to grab more bread from the kitchen, "I _like_ our life. I _like_ being married to you. Isn't that enough?"

He refused to look at her, choosing to continue staring at his dinner plate.

"Fine," Beca spat, "But you don't get to call me the bad guy in this. I told you from the beginning, you were the one who didn't listen." She tore at the loaf of bread, tears on the verge of falling down her cheeks, "I need you to sleep on the couch tonight."

"But-" he looked up at her suddenly.

"Just, please. Please sleep on the couch tonight. I can't sleep with you right now."

He nodded shortly and stood up, grabbing his still mostly full plate and taking it to the kitchen. He stared at her for a minute before walking out of the room, "I'm going to go for a run."

"I'll leave the light on for you," Beca called after him. "Shit," she said, looking at the dinner that was now ruined.

* * *

"I just don't get it, Cynthia Rose," Beca groaned into the phone, calling the woman who had been her friend for years, aside from Chloe (and then Aubrey), "He knew this about me when he was dating me and then when we were engaged and then when we got married. Why did he think things would change?"

"Hell if I know, girl, that boy has always been way too hopeful. Living in his movies. Maybe he figured that your maternal clock would start chiming."

"I can't figure out if I feel like I deceived him or if he wasn't truthful with me. He said it was okay, that he would rather be with me than without me. I didn't realize that there were conditions like that on those vows."

Cynthia Rose sighed into the phone, "I don't know what to tell you, Beca. Why don't you want kids?"

"That's the thing though," Beca started pacing around her office, it was her lunch break, she didn't have much time she needed to get back to work, "Do I actually need a reason? Shouldn't someone have reasons for wanting them, not the other way around?"

"Maybe in a perfect world," Cynthia Rose chuckled, if anything, her voice had grown more raspy with age. "I know that I don't want kids either. You're not the only one."

"But, and not to sound insensitive or anything, you're a lesbian, I feel like society accepts that more than a heterosexual, _married_ woman not wanting kids. And I'm not trying to belittle your experience, I hope you know that. But I just don't know. Either way the entire thing is stupid as shit and I hate it."

"It's not fair, Beca, I'll give you that. But it's your right to choose what happens to your body. But you should also talk to your husband about this. It's not just your life we're talking about here, okay? Can you do that."

"Yeah," Beca sighed, "I just wish he wasn't being such a jerk about this."

"He's probably just hurting, you know he hates to fight with you."

"That's only because he doesn't like it when I disagree with him. He can be such a child sometimes."

"But you love him," Cynthia Rose urged gently.

"Yeah, yeah. I suppose I do."

"You do, otherwise this wouldn't be such a huge issue with him."

Beca nodded, aware that the other woman couldn't see her, "I think it hurts that he thinks he can and should change this part of me. He should love me no matter what."

"Talk to him, Beca, that's the only way to make sure you're on the same page."

"Thanks, Cynthia Rose. I have to get back to work, but next time you're in Georgia you'll hit me up?"

"Definitely. Good luck, girl. Let me know what happens."

"Will do. Talk to you later."

* * *

"It's been three weeks since we had that fight, Jesse, are you really saying that we don't need to talk about it?" Beca sighed, Jesse had his face buried in a book, she could tell he wasn't even reading it.

He grumbled into his book, "I don't want to talk about it, that's different."

Beca reached for the book and made him look at her, "Why are you making me the villain here?"

"I'm not," he disagreed.

"You are and you know it. Please tell me why you can't even look at me."

"Because you don't love me enough to have children with me!"

Beca looked at her husband, gobsmacked, "Is that really what you think? That if I loved you more then I would want children? You are aware that that is not how it works at all, right?"

Jesse looked hurt, "Don't talk to me like I'm stupid, Beca."

"Why does it matter, Jesse? When clearly you don't value my opinion anyway!"

* * *

"For God's sake, we're only 25, Jesse! Not that that really matters anyway because I do not want to have children. I do not want to be pregnant and I do not want to adopt. I don't understand why you don't get that."

"Why?" Jesse asked. "Give me one good reason and I'll leave it alone."

"I shouldn't have to give you a reason, Jesse. You should be alright with my decision and respect it. We're supposed to be a team, Jesse, and I love you. But I am so upset with you right now."

"I don't think that's fair, Beca. You're the one who is being unreasonable."

"Unreasonable? Are you fucking kidding me?" Beca couldn't stop herself from standing up and shouting, pacing in front of him. "I may have had my doubts about relationships in general but you helped me work through that. I never thought that you would be the one to make me see that I was right all along." Beca couldn't stop the tears from running down her face. "I love you, Jesse, but right now I kind of hate you."

* * *

"I'm sorry," Jesse placed a brownie in front of Beca and sat across from her. "I've been a horrible husband and an even worse friend."

Beca looked at the chocolate morsel, very aware that it was a peace offering, "Yeah, you have."

"I guess I got so wrapped up in that perfect life that I thought I wanted that I wasn't listening to you."

"You think?" Beca scoffed.

"Can you not, Becs, I'm trying to apologize here."

"Right sorry, continue."

He took a small sip of the milk that he brought her to go with the brownie, laughing quietly when she swatted him away, "I called Aubrey."

"You did what?"

"I don't know, she always seems to know what to say to put things in perspective. I mean, she made you reconsider marrying me at least." He shrugged. "She told me I was being an idiot."

Beca laughed, "You were."

"Yeah, I kind of was," he smiled at her. "Did you know that Aubrey and Chloe were trying to have a baby?" Beca nodded. "And that Chloe couldn't have one, so Aubrey had to decide if she was going to have one instead." Beca nodded again, she kept in contact with her friends. "Well, I guess a part of me couldn't understand why you wouldn't want kids when your friends obviously did."

"We're not the same people, Jesse," Beca said, interrupting him softly. "We don't want the same things."

"And I've realized that." He ran his fingers through his hair, "I've been selfish. Aubrey told me as much. And I should have realized it earlier." He reached across the table, silently asking for Beca's hands, "I don't need to have kids, Beca. Not if that means losing you."

She squeezed his hands gently, "I love you. Thank you."

"I love you too." He took a deep breath, "Do you think that we could maybe revisit the topic in a couple years? Just to touch base? I don't want us to make it to 40 regretting our decision."

"_Our_ decision?" Beca quirked a smile at his wording.

"Yeah, Bec, _our_ decision."

"I think I can work with that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Now let's go to bed, we've been angry for too long."


End file.
